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Stories of What Your School Isn't Teaching You. |
1. MIND CONTROL
We shall make this one brief, so as not to frighten or younger readers. Basically, through a regime of sleep deprivation (doesn't getting up at 6:30 to be at school by 8:00 count as sleep deprivation?) and constant haranguing (grades, bullies, yelling teachers, principals telling you what to wear, being considered a crook by every adult around you), they convince people that they are worthless and that the only way they matter is if you do what they say and be a good little tool of the system. This causes the certain people who give in easily to over-achieve, which causes others to feel they are not good enough to keep up. This is why suicide rates in the United States have skyrocketed drastically. This is why students feel like they aren't good enough when Conspiracy Theory thinks we're all just groovy.
2. CHEERLEADING
Right now there is a hot bed of controversy over whether cheerleading is an actual sport or just a club. Well, the Conspiracy Theory answer is.....neither. During early days of school sporting events, schools were actually losing money due to a pronounced lack of attendance. They were already attracting the girls who liked the athletes, but they weren't getting the guys who just wanted a date. So one late night, the administration agreed that they would not break until they had solved the problem. Eight hours later, they emerged from the war room, I mean teacher's lounge, with a diabolical plan. They had decided to hold "cheerleading" tryouts, and only accept the hot, dumb, flexible, and loud girls. That wasn't the full scope of their plan though. To seal the deal, they also agreed on a uniform with a short skirt. They also decided that for the best effect, the girls should jump up and down a lot and show some leg. Their reasoning behind this addition, "What guy wouldn't go crazy over that?" As they had planned, the idea worked perfectly, and none of the cheerleaders realized that they were being used for their bodies. A few even felt "empowered" by their new roles in society. Till this day, few cheerleaders have realized that they're just being used, and none has discovered the true magnitude of this abuse. For those that realized that they played no role and didn't do anything, ESPN2 created cheerleading competitions to make themselves feel worthwhile. So, the next time a snobby cheerleader looks down her nose at you, just remember that you aren't the one being used for your body, and chuckle quietly to yourself as you admire her in that outfit.
3. DRESS CODES
Once again, that oh so clever school administration has thought of another way to demean you and try to control your thoughts. This diabloical incarnation of scholastic evil goes by the name of "dress codes". Cue dramatic music. These rules are based on entirely arbitrary standards of what the people in power think creates a better atmosphere for learning and enrichment. Basically, they want to ban anything that looks cool and allows a modicum of self-expression to shine through. Of course, 90% of the preppy, Abercrappy and Bitch, American Seagull, or GAP Inside The Skull clothing lines are accepted. On a similar train of thought, 90% of clothing from Gadzook's, Spencer's, or other alternative clothing outlets are banned, banned, and banned. The staff here once knew a high school student who wore a hilarious T-shirt about the Black Plague Tour, a spin on the devastating disease that wiped out a quarter of Europe's population during the Middle Ages. It was made like a dark rock band's shirt, with show dates stamped on the back and SOLD OUT signs by the cities that had been mostly cleansed of people by the plague. The Conspiracy Theory writers thought it was hilarious, but the administration disagreed. The shirt was never heard from again. An article of clothing that educated, entertained, and made a point about history was banned from the public eye, while preppy guys sporting pictures of King Kong on yellow backgrounds paraded happily through the hallways, marching in time to a round of "Controlled at Last".
STORY UPDATE *8/22/01: Today, the administration at Millard West High School in Omaha, Nebraska banned the display of black t-shirts with the word "SECURITY" written on them in white. This is an outrage. How could a shirt that just says "SECURITY" be considered offensive or distracting? There are only two acceptable reasons for the school prohibiting students from wearing this shirt; either someone used it to sneak into a secured area by making others believe that they were security personnel, or the shirt has some sort of gang or organizational signifigance. The first is impossible because the security at MWHS wear blue polo shirts that display the school's emblem. The second is unlikely, since the staff here has not heard of any such group or gang. If you attend MWHS, we have a plan to help you fight the power. Make a black shirt with the word "SECURITY" in white on it, except that "SECURITY" should be in a foreign language. Wear it as often as you can, and stay strong; help is on it's way.
4. MATH AS A RELIGION
Everyday, children across America frolic cheerfully into math classes, anxiously awaiting a day of learning and educational stuff like that. Unfortunately, an evil fate awaits them. Math teachers are shoving their own sick, twisted faith down the throats of our kids. Why does 2+2 have to equal 4? Because math teachers need something to believe, and someone to believe it with them. The whole point of math classes is to make you feel stupider than George Bush. Well, not quite that dumb, but close. They convince you that if you can't remember 20 different formulas and theorems for every test and the put it all together for the final that you're so dumb you'll be lucky to get a job working the deep frier at Dairy Queen. The truth is that at any job you got that you actually needed those higher levels of math, you would get free access to all the formulas you needed plus time on the most powerul computing machines in the world and twenty other people checking your work behind you. 90% of people who take these upper tier mundane math classes will never, ever, not in a million years use this crap again. Why don't they teach us how to do stuff we'll need in the real world, like how to make your very own conspiracy website, classes starting soon at Conspiracy University.
5. TEACHER STUPIDITY
Have you ever sat in a class and wondered if the teacher would be just as smart if they didn't have their answer book? Well, our staff did some scholastic investigation, and we came up with the idea that 85% of teachers are not very well educated. In fact, they're quite dumb and dull-witted. The other 15% are reasonably intelligent and gifted in the teaching arts, but we shall ignore them for now because they teach for the pure joy of teaching. Damn samaritans!!!! The responsible parties for the other 85% of educators are alot of college partying, fake majors that they thought they would never need, and their parents using pot while pregnant. Now, pause to think for just one second out of your busy life. If you were one of these teaching candidates and you had a better job offer than teaching for a measley living, most likely you would take it, that way you wouldn't so poor that you would have to use food stamps for the rest of your life. Unfourtunately, most of these people with fake majors are forced to settle with these jobs, but in theory don't they deserve them? Not really. We probably shouldn't put people that barely passed college in positions to affect our children futures, but that is what our society is doing. Basically, the way this figure works out, the dumber the teacher, the dumber the student until we eventually recycle back to a life of barbarity and a language consisting of grunts and body odor. Even though you would expect this to happen, it has not, yet. Somehow, many of today's students have been motivated to succeed in life, and thus in result have caused a teacher shortage, delaying the recycling to stupidity.
6. WHERE ARE ALL THE CHAIRS?
Everyday, children across America frolic happily into class, unaware of the horrible fate that awaits them. No, we're not talking about pop quizes and research papers. The problem we are referring to is...duh...duh...duh... the lack of seating in this okay country's high schools. Classes are filled to the brim with surly students and their even surlier teachers. Some classes are so full that students don't even have a desk everyday, and sometimes they are forced to go without chairs. To some of our readers, this may seem like a sad tale of the lack of funding for the public schools, but in fact this is just an outward sign of a larger, you guessed it, conspiracy. How do you feel when your forced to sit on the floor during class? You feel like you're not as good as the other students who get their little happy desks and don't have to be distracted by the various species of insects and rodents running around on the floor. It's almost impossilbe to learn without a desk these days. How do you take trigonometry notes on your knees? Can you understand a Shakespearean sonnet when your binder is diggin into you through your backpack? It disrupts your concentration, and as you lose concentration you grades begin to dip. As your grades dip, you begin to lose confidence. It's not like this is some terrible accident in the schools. There are plenty of desks for all the students, but the schools are doing this on purpose. Some teachers use two or three STUDENT desks to spread their TEACHING crap across, when they could easily keep it on a single desk if they had any idea of what the word "organized" means. This is a part of the schools' targeted campaign of degredation, humiliation and mind control. Don't let them beat you; do what out staff does. Whenever anyone of us gets screwed out of a desk, we take boxes and other things like that from arond the room and construct a desk in the middle of the aisles. It doesn't serve much of a purpose, but it does make a statement; power to the people.
7. AC TO THE MAX
Recently, there has been a rash of days in which high temperatures have been accompanied by an overcompensation in air conditioning in the schools. Even on days when the AC need not be running, it is on full blast, chilling most students to the bone and creating some nipply situations. There are several theories as to why the administration would institute a policy that is obviously so wasteful. The first theory is that it is a round-about way to enforce the new dress codes rules (see above). This is a plan that is mainly targeted at the female population of the student community. Women aren't going to wear revealing, also known as interesting, outfits if they have to freeze their butts off to do it. It's just not worth it in the long run to get hypothermia at school. The second theory about the igloo-like conditions in schools is that it is a part of the system's mental conditioning an brain washing regimen (see above article). Cold makes us weak, and therefore loosens our resolve to stay free-thinking, independent people. When they break us, they can mold our frozen minds to their whims, creating a new generation of 9-5 zombies. The third theory is that the administration is too dumb and cold-hearted to realize that the buildings have ice on the floors and that they can do something about it. Until this controversey is resolved, we advise that you dress warmly. Old man winter, aka Jack Frost, is on his way.....
8. COMPEITITION
Natural selection and the evolution of species depends greatly on compeitition. Organisms must fight each other for food, space, mates, and dominance of the group, if there is one. In this case, compeitition is the best way to improve on species and eliminate those that simply can't cut it in the real world. Unfortunately, compeitition can be a great evil if used to harm others, such as the ways America's schools do. The teachers and administraters are teaching us to hate each other and to fight amongst ourselves to receive their praise and attention. This is the purpose of grades, to create jealousy and hatred among students so that we can't work together to beat their system and machinations. Whenever the teacher splits you into teams in class to play a "learning game" for points or just plain old bragging rights, they are tricking you into being at each other's throats constantly and allowing them to control you. This creates an atmosphere of jealousy and hatred amongst the students, which circumvents any efforts to toss of the system's yoke. We become their cattle, their beasts of intellectual burden. Why do you think schools have valedictorians? They exist so students will try and sabatoge each other and be good little tools for the dudes upstairs. Want to beat them at their own game? Start rumors about teachers' extracurricular activities and make sure their colleagues catch wind of them. Another good strategy is team test taking, working together in small, quiet groups so that everyone gets better scores. If everyone shares what they know, we learn to work together and we get to foil a conspiracy at the same time. Semper Fi people, Semper Fi.
9. MARCHING BAND
Every bando in the world knows that marching band is Hell on earth, an abominable death camp used to weed out the weak from the strong. The worst part of band is the ever so popular summer Band Camp. This is a week, usually set up to correspond with the hottest week of the year, in which you spend five or six hours out in the sun, lugging your instrument up and down the field, double-timing to an inconsistent tempo and praying for heat stroke to put you out of your misery. The heat is especially hard on the drumline and bass sections, but we can take it; we're men. Even the girls in our sections are men. Once school starts, so does morning band practice. You get up at 5:45 AM to be on the field by 7, and they don't stop working you until 9:15. The directors yell your head off, they set each section against each other in a moral battle royale, and the drum majors won't stop screeching in the banshee voices "Get there, get set!". Then the compeititions start. First, you have the parades. Basically, you walk down a street or series of streets playing music that wouldn't be fit for a deaf mute, having to carry your horn at attention the whole time. Next, you have the actual marching compeititions. Your directors always force you to go to compeitions where the other bands are so much better then you because they have more money, more time, and a higher average IQ between the directors. These shows involve hours of travel times, just for 10 minutes of sheer performance terror, followed by hours of sitting in the stands while it's 25 degrees outside, just to hear that you didn't even make the top five, followed by hours more of travel time. Last, you have the football games. Your band directors scream at you for not remembering a pre-game show that you haven't practiced in a month because he kept you too busy cleaning drill that was perfect in the first place. Then you march out there for your 10 minute halftime show that no one watches, and they don't even give you time to get off the field before the teams come storming back on, trying their best to knock you over and trample you. All in all, marching band is a pain in the patootie. After all the time and effort you put into it, the season always ends up disappointing you, and they always just work you even harder the next year.
10. NATIONAL DISHONOR SOCIETY (yeah, yeah, the title's corny, not like we get paid for this)
Okay, here's the 411. First off, they ask for you. They selected you, they asked you to apply, the requestes that you jump through their millions of hoops, that you fill out their pages of forms in triplicate, and that you show up at an ungodly hour of the morning to write them a timed essay. After you spend 45 minutes frantically describing your acheivments in the areas of scholarship, leadership, and community service, to the point that you develop the worst writer's cramp since priets had to hand-copy bibles, you feel relieved, thinking that it's just an easy slide into admission. Then you get rejected, stone cold. Apparently, after 10 years of devotion to school and learning, you aren't good enough because you don't participate in the inactive school activities. Yes, football, now there's an activity with brain power involved. They say you should join more school activites, like DECA. Wait, that name sounds oddly familiar. Wait, I've got it! They're the ones who took their clothes off, took a picture of it, and circulated it around school! Something to be proud of there. All-in-all, I'd rather be debating...
11. FOOTBALL
America's new favorite past time. High school football has taken over the spot previously held by that most revered of the boring sports, baseball. Every weekend, 60 kids with pimples and overly large muscles go out on a field somewhere and bang the bejeezus out of each other for four fifteen minute quarters. Some might as why we put out kids through this, through the agonizing months of practice during the summer, through the rigors of two-a-day practices that impede on their chances of earning a well-rounded education (not that all of them are smart enough to get it done in the first place), and through the hectic schedules of weekly games and the playoffs. The reasoning behind this is that it has always been done, and therefore must be the only way to do things. This illogical, possibly down-right sadistic view of the world, leads to some interesting paradoxes that affect the world at large, even above and beyond high school. First, the high school football monster is really only just fuel for that devestating beast known as....duh duh duh..college football. This higher-learning obscenity is behind most things we fine degrading about the college experience, including frat parties, the drunken jockachracy, the vaccuum of funding that sucks money from useful areas like education and general maintenance, and finally, the rise of 5-year physical education degreee among our college graduates. Closer to its high school home, football steals funds and attention from other worthwhile areas, including other sports. Football absconds with attention and recognition due to other activities, even if the team goes 1-9 on the season. How many other sports get a pep rally before practically every game? Examine this recent series of events. A respectable high school's team makes it to the state championship game for the third time in seven years. Unfortunately, a "curse" has followed the team around that prevents them from winning the desired hunk of trash, we mean, trophy. When they do finally win, the great victory is referred to as the school's "first state title". However, upon closer examination of the trophy cases, one would notice that the school has already won state championships in band, debate, swimming, chess, and cross country. Does this make any sense? Sometimes you really have to wonder how these guys manage to stay on top of their classes in order to remain eledgible for sports at all. Never fear though, because the teachers and administration have got their back, bumping the grade just a tad so they can suit up and kick some ass in the next gridiron showdown.
12. DEBATE
Debate is definitely a confusing activity, not only in its basic principles but also in the contradictions its membership creates. First, no one understands it. No matter what type of debate you do, Policy, Lincoln-Douglas, or Student Congress, no one understands exactly what you're supposed to be doing up there, talking about things that are really outside the scope of your control. Second, there is something enormously hilarious about a bunch of 16-year olds with pimples and inferiority complexes arguing over the fate of the world. Johnny B. Smart, who hasn't had a date since holding hands with Leslie Hore in pre-school, is trying to convince a judge that Jenny D. Bratt's case angers the small north-african nation of Djibouti, so therefore she must be voted down and be made to cry for losing. These kids get up and argue about things so far above their own heads and so amazingly pointless in the grand scheme of things it makes you feel really sorry for them. The funniest thing though, and this one will knock you out of your chair, is the supposed drug testing policy for debaters. According to the rules, debaters are supposed to be forced to submit to urine tests to check for use of controlled substances. You mean, I'm supposed to argue about nuclearism and biological weapons without being stoned? How ridiculous is that? Now it won't make any sense at all.
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